It hurts.Īt the same time, no matter the ways you believe you failed, I would encourage you to ask yourself the following questions:Īm I telling myself that I could have prevented my loved one’s suicide? I do not mean to diminish or discount your pain. No doubt, such feelings of regret cause searing pain. Maybe you believed that your loved one would not ever die by suicide. Maybe you felt too afraid to recognize the possibilities for death. Maybe you failed to keep the person safe. Maybe you refused to take a phone call, or said words in anger, or gave up on the person. Maybe you said things you regret, like, “It’s not that bad,” “You don’t really mean it,” “You just are trying to get attention,” or any one of a million other statements that are regrettable in hindsight. Maybe you discounted the enormity of their pain. Maybe you did know your loved one was struggling. Maybe, painfully, you are even thinking, “I failed, and I hate myself for it.” Maybe you are reading these words thinking, “She doesn’t get it. If You Made Mistakes with a Suicidal Person Usually it is not just one problem, but instead a multitude of problems, that lead to suicide. They connive to make the person believe that suicide is the only way to end the pain. They rob the person of the ability to see any possibility for change. The forces of suicide cause irrational thoughts. Other forces besides mental illness also can cause suicide: trauma, stress, loss, and any other event or condition that creates excruciating pain. By many accounts, 90% of people who die by suicide have a diagnosable mental illness. Most often, these forces are mental illness. Instead, the fault belongs to the natural forces that create the potential for suicide. Not yours, not someone else’s, and not the suicide victim’s. When someone dies by suicide, it is never one person’s fault. Placing the Blame for Suicide Where It Belongs Sometimes, despite our best efforts, suicide wins. We are limited in what we can know and what we can do to stop suicide from occurring. Pray, if that is in your belief system.īut even if you did not do all of those things, even if you did not do any of those things, it does not mean that the person’s suicide is your fault.Įven when people do all of those things, still the person may die by suicide. MY FRIEND COMMITTED SUICIDE PROFESSIONALProvide resources to the person or take them somewhere for professional help. Remove firearms and other instruments of death from their home. Wrap the person in love, understanding, and support. There are things people can do to help someone who is suicidal:Īsk questions. This is not to say that nobody has any control over a suicidal person’s safety or situation. What We Can Control When Someone is Suicidal It is more devastating to realize how random events are – and how random they will continue to be – than it is to believe that we failed. In reality, tragedies all too often occur beyond our control. This means that we can prevent suicide from happening again to someone else we love. If we caused the suicide in some way, then we can learn from our mistakes and act differently. In blaming ourselves, we nurture the illusion that we have some control over life.Ĭonsider this. The tricky thing about self-blame is that, even though it hurts intensely, it also protects us from a greater pain. If you knew then what you know now, then yes, you almost certainly would have said something different, done something different, shown something different, felt something different – and so on. “Hindsight bias occurs when an individual possesses knowledge about the outcome of an event and falsely believes he or she was capable of predicting (and, by implication, affecting) its outcome.” Whatever you believe, two important words may apply: “hindsight bias.” Hindsight bias is the clinical term for that familiar adage, “Hindsight is 20/20.” More technically, according to two trauma researchers: Perhaps you believe adamantly that you did or said too much. Perhaps you believe adamantly that you did or said too little. If you have lost a loved one to suicide, you may feel that your self-blame is justified. Even if you regret words spoken or unspoken, actions taken or not taken, or other mistakes that you think you made, you can replace condemnation with compassion. You can talk back to your self-blaming thoughts. They infect the open wound of suicide loss, adding hurt to hurt. Such feelings are raw, painful, even toxic. I should have been able to stop my loved one from dying.įeelings of self-blame affect many people who have lost a loved one to suicide. Different people may fill in the blanks with different words, but the sentiments are the same: I am to blame.
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